ECCLES WRUFC 0 – 72 ORMSKIRK LADIES
The offer of a jug of beer from assistant coach Jonsson if the team could somehow engineer a try for lock Charlotte ‘Moose’ Doyle* in her final game for the team galvanised the Ladies into a frantic try feast. The only problem was that whenever Moose poked her head up from the scrum or emerged from a maul the Ladies’ backs were already 40m away and over the try line.
Eccles have many virtues but pace isn’t one of them. Indeed, you would need stop frame photography to establish whether some of the Eccles’ forwards were in motion at all ( no names necessary; you know who you are ). From the Ladies’ very first attack – straight hands, wing Clare ‘Shirley’ Rylance in at the corner – it was apparent that the only way Eccles could stop the Ormskirk backs from scoring was by keeping the ball away from them.
Throughout the first half tries popped up as regularly as zits on a teen. Rylance got a second, centre Emma Gander got two and No 8 Kayleigh ‘What’s a No8 ? Is it a
bus ?’ McDonnell grabbed another. And, to universal joy, wing Sammy Hunter got her first two tries in rugby union. Not to mention the Girl of the Game award.
With fly half Jenny Leitch’s three conversions, the half time 41 nil scoreline strongly suggested that the Ladies would be progressing to the next round of the ‘Inaugrual’ Lancashire Cup. ‘Inaugrual’ presumably being the name of the dodgy finance company sponsoring the competition. Either that or someone has been let loose on the Ormskirk RUFC website without benefit of education or a spellcheck.
In danger of being tonned, Eccles took the eminently sensible step of keeping the ball in the forwards in the second half. Since a pack of reasonably athletic dormice could outscrummage the Ladies, this wasn’t difficult.
And the referee, too, had a hand in slowing the rate of scoring. After Gander had added another, and centre Louise ‘Mrs Robinson’ Robinson yet another, he, like Sitting Bull and the Sioux Nation at Custer’s Last Stand, soon had the Ladies completely surrounded. But with Laws rather than Indian braves. No sooner had one Ormskirk player fallen in hand to hand combat with a Law, than yet another Law would spring up to take its place. It was compassionate and creative refereeing at its very best and penned by penalties in their own 22, the Ladies rose, more or less uncomplainingly, to the challenge.
Not conceding became a point of honour and, not for the first time this season, the Ladies gutsied it out. Eccles pounded away at the Ormskirk line with strength, weight and heart. Skipper Gander epitomised the resistance, hurling herself into tackle after tackle as though it was fun. Stupidly, fragile wing ‘Shirley’ Rylance tried to emulate Gander. Taking on a substantial Eccles’ prop with the ultimate fly on a windscreen tackle, Shirley found herself 10m further back than where she started and thanking her lucky stars that she was still in one piece. If the prop had been moving any faster all that would have been left of Shirley would have been a dry cleaning bill for an Eccles’ shirt.
When the break out finally came it had jugs on. A kick upfield was pursued and fielded by Leitch and, with the rest of the team screaming at ‘Moose’ Doyle to get her rear into gear, the ball was passed to Gander to hover over the try line as Doyle puffed up in support. She arrived shortly before dark and triumphantly grounded the ball. It remained only for Gander to greedily grab another two tries before the team could retire to the bar to enjoy Jonsson’s jug.
*Of course, Charlotte Doyle will continue to play for the Ladies. But not as ‘Moose’. Charlotte feels that ‘Moose’ is inappropriate and insulting as a nickname.
We agree.
Charlotte needs a nickname that epitomises her character and playing style. As a person she is sweet, desirable and delectable. And as a player her rugby skills are silky and smooth.
So ‘Moose’ is dead. Long live Charlotte ‘Mousse’ Doyle !**
** MOOSE OR MOUSSE ? Go on to Facebook ‘Ormskirk Ladies’ Rugby’ to register your vote !
