An Ormskirk Lady asked me why I can’t be more positive and constructive in these reports. Well, for one thing, positive and constructive don’t make for funny and, for another, there sometimes isn’t much to be positive or constructive about. But I’ll try.
First the facts. York gamely turned up with 13 players for the Ladies’ first fixture in division North 2. The Ladies’ scrum, a basket case for the past couple of seasons, finally won lots of ball, albeit against a six pack. And, for a change, the line out stuttered ( regular readers will recognise this as a vast improvement ). Kayleigh Thompson won Girl of the Game for an energetic performance in the pack and half backs Kate Traynor and Louise Robinson played as though they had met before.
After 61 minutes of utter dross the Ladies finally stitched together three decent passes and wing Rachel Birrell broke clear to score under the posts. Given that the Ladies’ defence was solid throughout, that was the game as good as won.
Also the referee made a good joke. Reminding fly half Robinson of the ELVs he urged her back 5m from the base of the scrum. “I dunno what 5m looks like,” pleaded Robinson helplessly. “Then I’m glad you’re not fitting my bloody carpets!” replied the ref.
So that’s the positives done with. Now for the constructive. Below is a handy Cut Out ‘n Keep Questionnaire to remind rugby players everywhere of the some of the skills and attitudes required to play Rugby Union successfully.
1. You are supporting the ball carrier. Should you :-
a) maintain a position 2 - 5m behind them, calling out your position ?
b) watch them from the other end of the pitch, scratching your bum ?
or c) stand 2m in front of them looking dozy ?
2. You want to receive a pass. Should you :-
a) extend your arms towards the ball carrier, make a target and call ?
b) creep up on the ball carrier silently, like a ninja assassin ?
or c) lope alongside like a loose horse at the Grand National and then snatch desperately at the ball at the last moment ?
3. You want to pass the ball to a supporting player. Should you :-
a) run straight, turn to look at the target and then release a two handed pass towards it ?
b) run sideways towards the supporting player and then deliver a pass aimed at i) their ankles or ii) their head ?
or c) without looking, hurl a one handed pass over your shoulder vaguely in the direction of where you think a team mate might be ?
4. By some miracle you have caught the ball. Should you :-
a) look around to see where your support is and then run at gaps in the
defence ?
b) run straight into the nearest opponent with the ball held out in front of you like a birthday present ?
or c) fall over and knock on ?
5. You are in traffic and there is a loose ball on the floor. Should you :-
a) fall on the ball, curling your body around it to protect it from the
opposition ?
b) stay on your feet and scrabble for it pointlessly until one of the opposition rucks you out of the way ?
or c) stand around looking confused until someone else deals with it ?
6. A team mate has gone to ground with the ball and you are the only player in support. Should you :-
a) bridge over the ball until your team mates arrive to ruck over you ?
b) step over the ball in an upright position, so that the opposition can smash your ribs in ?
or c) look exasperated with your team mates and point at the ball ?
7. You play for a rugby team. Should you :-
a) attend training regularly so that you become fitter, faster and more skilful ?
b) look out of the window and say, “ It looks like rain, but I’ll definitely go training next week” ?
or c) forget training, go to the pub and tell other people how to play rugby ?
8. There has been a Club ‘do’ the night before your first league game and you
have copped off with a well fit bloke. Should you :-
a) have two drinks and take his number to arrange a date at a later time ?
b) spend the night drinking and canoodling but struggle, bleary eyed, down to the Club to play the next day ?
or c) make up a lame excuse and spend all day in bed ?
9. ( for Anna O’Malley only ). You have damage to your medial ligament. Should
you :-
a) seek medical advice and return to rugby when you are fully fit ?
b) ignore the injury and hope that it will heal in the course of time ?
or c) come on at full back, knock on, pass forward and, in doing so, further damage your knee ?
SCORE 3 points for an a) answer, 2 points for a b) and 1 point for a c).
24 – 19 points You are good enough to play for the Under 10s.
18 – 13 points With a bit of training you will be good enough to play for the Under 10s.
12 – 9 points You play for Ormskirk Ladies.
8 points You play for Ormskirk Ladies but mostly can’t be asked.
Constructive or what !?
But I’ll finish with some Good News and some Bad News. The Good News ? York played Darlington last week (the Ladies’ next opponents) and scored 5 points against them. The Bad News ? They conceded 118.
